Both Parents On The Same Page, By Janet Raver, PCC, LICDC, EAP Consultant, Harbor

In my work with clients, I often see parents who have differing opinions about how to parent.  This can be quite confusing for a child.

I recommend parents discuss the child’s misbehaviors and possible consequences together before setting limits with the child and issuing consequences. It may even be helpful to write these down on paper so that it is clear to each party.    The behavioral consequence will be more effective if the parents have agreed upon the consequence prior to sharing it with the child.  That way, the child cannot “play one parent against the other” (e.g., try to get special treatment from the parent who is not in agreement with the other parent) and sabotage the effectiveness of the discipline. 

Having worked with children for many years, I have come to believe that children really do WANT structure and limit setting established by parents.  Not only do the children learn that way, what is acceptable and not acceptable out in the world at large, but they also sense that their parents CARE about their safety, learning, and preparation for life outside the home. 

I suggest that parents have a meeting about their children, and list on paper possible misbehaviors (e.g., not coming in at curfew, being on the cell phone after a certain hour in the evening, etc.) and reasonable consequences for those behaviors.  Then, each parent needs to adhere to those consequences, and not “give in”, when there is an infraction.  Otherwise, the issued consequence will be meaningless.  This may require compromise on each parent’s part when there is disagreement about consequences. 

As it is now the start of a new school year, and the children’s lives are more structured around their school day and school responsibilities, this would be a perfect time to share with the children the parents’ “new plan.”  Of course, there needs to be rewards for positive behaviors as well, and each parent needs to agree on the rewards also. 

Even if the biological parents no longer live in the same home, the above guidelines still apply.  It is ideal for the biological parents to communicate together (along with the stepparents) about rules and consequences for the child/adolescent.  The result will be a child who is more prepared for the “world out there” and has structure in their home environment, leading them to feel more safe and secure.

For more ideas about parenting, make an appt. to see your EAP Provider at Harbor Symmetry Wellness, 419-475-5338 or 1-800-422-5338.