Aren’t We Finished Parenting When They’re 18? by Janet Raver PCC, LICDC, EAP Consultant, Harbor Symmetry Wellness

Recently I have had clients say to me in my office that “He (she) is 18 now—-I’ve done my job.”  However, the reality is that parenting is a life-long task.   The responsibilities may be of a different nature when the children have become adults legally, but parental input and assistance is often needed long after the 18th birthday. 

Many times, due to our troubled economy and the young person’s lack of direction and goals, the “older than 18” son or daughter remains living in the parent’s home.  In those situations the parent provides a roof over the child’s head, food and perhaps other kinds of assistance due to the “child’s” inability to find a job, get into school, or lack of desire to live independently.  My advice to parents in these circumstances is that while it is good to provide assistance to the adult child, the parents need to have certain requirements of the child.  The adult child needs to help with housework, be looking for a  job, or be in the process of getting admitted to some post high school training.  

For the parent to not have these expectations would enable the child to not have to learn to stand on their own two feet.   Such would not be a service to the child.  Parents won’t be around forever to see to it that the adult child’s needs are taken care of.  For parents to not insist their child take on certain responsibilities, would be crippling for the adult child.  There may be extenuating circumstances where the adult child is a “special needs” child,  where the parents need to continue providing special assistance to the individual.  However, even in those situations, the child needs to be expected to do all that they are capable of toward becoming more independent (e.g, gaining access to treatment, programs, or a group home). 

There may be a divorce and the adult child and the grandchildren need to return home to live with the parents  for a period of time due to inability to support themselves, or due to financial problems that result from the divorce.  In these situations, the parents’ role is to be supportive emotionally, to help provide for physical needs, but to also guide the adult child in finding ways to once again becoming independent. 

Perhaps there is serious illness with the adult child or the adult child’s children.   When adult children have children of their own, they need advice and guidance about how to get through pregnancy, and how to parent.    The adult child may live independently, but need emotional support from their families of origin, when painful circumstances arise.

So, is parenting required after they are 18?   Absolutely!    If you need assistance in how to parent your adult children, don’t hesitate to contact Harbor Symmetry Wellness EAP coaching for help in this area.